This is a fresh start to my blog. After much deliberation I know that it is the right thing to do. So I will put myself out there and I will write with hope. I hope you enjoy it. I promise that I will do my best to be honest and open about my journey. I hope you believe in inspiration, I hope you believe in redemption, I hope you believe in dreams. I hope you believe in love and the human spirit. Most importantly I hope you just BELIEVE, believe that anything is possible. Believe that together we can make the world a better place. Believe that if you do things from your heart, the good will come out. Really, that's all this blog is about. Heart.
In the end, the bottom line is, you have to be happy. You can do many things that you think will make you happy, you can find love, make money, get in shape, have children, travel, buy material things, obtain fame, have a lots of friends, but if you are not doing what is in your heart, I don't think you can truly be happy. I can't actually say that this is the case for everyone. Just me. I can only speak for myself.
Yesterday was my 4 year anniversary of being clean and sober. I received many congratulations from people, and although I am proud of myself, the past 6 months almost saw me relapse, and I had a very difficult time staying clean, I know better than to pat myself on the back now. I thought I was in the clear, I know that's not the case anymore.
Shortly after my last blog I suffered a concussion, along with it came several problems. Without going into too much detail, I had an MRI and my doctor suggested that I stop boxing. I took her advice, stopped training and along with that began I downward spiral that led to a depressive state, and demons that I thought had subsided were back. Back in full effect. I conceded that I would drink again, began the process of isolating myself and pulled away from friends and family, something I have done throughout the course of my life.
The funny thing is it never happened. I was desperate to get rid of my head pain and other conditions, I began treatment with a specialist. I never really fought off the urge to drink, one day just led to the next and it didn't happen. The treatments were working, I started to feel better, I decide to pursue a career suggested by my longtime friend Dan Maltar and I accepted a job at (of all places) a restaurant called BeerTown. I love the job and the people I work with, I continued to train people, and training myself, even started dating a bit. Things started to turn around. But of course the demons are there and the discontentment in my heart, in my soul, once again not leaving me alone. Encompassing all my thought and all my energy. You see the the thing is, and the reason why it has been so hard to express, and why I have had such a hard time being completely honest, is that I know most people won't understand. And although it is an easy thing to state, that "I don't care what other people think" the truth is, I do. I have many friends and family, but the truth is, there are so many things they don't know about me, so many things I haven't shared with them, I've kept so many things hidden and private from everyone for so long. I used to think I was protecting them, protecting myself. But where has that got me, I feel like I've lost so much, that I have nothing to lose. Maybe it's time. Honesty, brutal honesty is really my only option at this point.
My difficulties, or "demons" as people like to say, start from a troubling childhood, a lost love, and the passing of so many important people in my life. There has been loss everywhere, family, friends, co-workers, brothers in AA, a child. I know these things happen to most if not everyone, I'm certainly not alone in God's distribution of tragedy. As explained to me by therapists, my difficulties are that I haven't let go. I haven't grieved. I haven't moved on. In my heart, I don't want to, but I accept that unless I do, I will always battle these demons and I will not be able to grow as a person. One of the reasons I decided to blog again is that I know it is time. Time to let go. I'm not entirely sure I want to reveal myself this way, but I feel I am ready to move on from things. I realize that I am fighting my demons, I am fighting for my sobriety, in some ways I am fighting for my life, a life I so desperately want to have. But I know in my heart there is only one way to get there.
I looked in the mirror a while ago. I looked into my eyes. After a while a started to feel sad. I knew in my heart that I can be better. I can be a better person. I can be a better friend, a better co-worker, a better manager, a better son, a better cousin. A better person in this world. I want so many things from everyone, I want their love, I want YOUR love. But how can I expect that if I don't give of myself first, if I don't offer to someone everything I am about, if I don't love with all MY heart. But you can't give unless you know what you are giving, unless you know who you are and what you are about. I know who I am, it's time to become that person. I only know one way to do that, I only know what's in my heart, it starts with pursuing my dream.
I'm going to box. I'm going to train as hard as a can, and get to the highest level of competition I can. I believe I can stay healthy, I know I can get in sick shape again, in my heart I know I can become a champion. But the most important thing to me is that I give it my honest best. That I commit to the task, to the journey. If I give it everything I have, no matter what happens, I'll let it go. Even if I lose every fight, even if I get hurt, it doesn't matter, I will walk away with no regrets. But I have to do this my way, on my terms. So, no comedy acts, no games, no fried chicken, well maybe sometimes. I'm going to be focused this time out. I'm not fucking around.
I know what the disapprovers are doing, rolling your eyes and shaking your heads, but I welcome you to join the journey, there's room on the boat for everyone, even the haters. I know you are out there, I know who you are even, don't be afraid to come out, I'll welcome you with open arms. Maybe we can all come together, maybe, just maybe...
They say that life is precious. All I know is that life is short. All my life all I ever wanted was to find something that I was passionate about, something that I would DIE for. I never found it, I found something better, I found something to LIVE for instead. At the end of my life, I want to know that I did my best, at everything, that I lived for the right things and that I did the right things no matter how difficult they seemed. I want to tell ALL children to dream the biggest dream they can, to go after that dream, and to never let anyone or anything stop them from living their dream. So, I'll lead by example. Join me. Laugh with me, cry with me, but most of all TRY with me. Let's be better. Let's be selfless, let's be kind and giving. Let's make this world a better place, let's love and care about each other. Let's do this together, let's share our lives, let's share our hopes... let's share our dreams.
