The Golden Gloves Championships is the premier championship tournament for the OBA(Ontario Boxing Association) All the best boxing clubs in Ontario compete and Team Destiny( Syd's Gym/team) is expected to win every year. This year BBSV will be sending 16 boxers to represent our club, the tryouts to make the team have been spread over 2 days, my tryout is tonite at 830.
Syd came to me in Dec, and told me that this is something I should shoot for. Although he described it as a 'lofty' goal, he also believes in setting high goals, so this is something that I have been preparing for and looking forward to.
My boxing has been coming along great, since I have made the decision to adjust my career path and focus on my training, my fundamentals, technique and defence have improved tremendously(if you ask me at least!) and I've made great strides in my conditioning, especially when sparring. Although controlling my anxiety and breathing while I'm sparring or in any pressure situation is an issue, I'm determined to overcome it, and as frustrating as it has been for me(I'm not close to where I should be or need to be) I AM improving, litttle by little. My conditioning is only exposed when I'm under pressure, and unable to breath efficiently. This happens when I'm nervous, and when I'm boxing, I'm always nervous.
I will be nervous tonight, I will have anxiety. Even though I know that this eats away at my energy, at this point I can only embrace the challenge, and attempt to overcome it. I think that 'choking' under pressure has been something that has happened much too often. Everytime I'm in a position to 'show Syd something', I have choked. But confidence comes from preparation, knowing that you put in the work. I've been putting in the work. I'm in a good situation, I've had my best week of training coming into the tryouts and ...I've got nothing to lose.
I'll admit I've put a lot of pressure on myself. If I make the team, it would mean so much to me, it would mean so many things. It would mean I'm good enough, it would mean Syd thinks I'm good enough, it would represent the hard work I've put in and the sacrafices I've made, I would mean I'd be part of a team, a team of great young people that I respect and admire, and of course...it would mean I would get to compete, it would mean I get to fight.
Truthfully though, in the grand scheme of things, I know it will be difficult, and, make it or not, it doesn't change my goals, or my training or my belief in what I'm doing. No matter what happens, after today, I still plan on working hard towards my dream and to help our team prepare for GoldenGloves in any way I can. I know that much of this is out of my control, but I can provide leadership through my work ethic, and push myself and the others as much as possible, I can help the team with my attitude and my actions in the gym, whether I am on the team or not.
I will absolutely enjoy my attempt tonight, I'm doing what I love to do, and just being given the opportunity to be part of this great team of young people is a true blessing in itself. So I will stress to you that the outcome is not important, that making the team doesn't make or break anything, I will continue to work towards my dream no matter what. BUT...wish me luck anyway.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
The Best Is Yet To Come
In early November I accepted a new management position with the current company I am employed by. It was definitely a big change in my life, and a big change in the developement of my boxing journey, which, has essentially BECOME my life. It was the start of something new, but not neccessarily for the better. I never really question the things that happen in my life anymore. That old adage of "everything happens for a reason" has been a phrase overused, and overplayed. I've been guilty of jumping into things whole-heartedly on many occasions, sometimes for no better reason than believing that "everything happens for a reason". When things get introduced in my life, it's hard not to find a reason, especially when you're looking for one.
When Joe Phillips intoduced me to Syd, I KNEW there was a reason. In the upcoming weeks at Destiny(BBSV-Boxing By Syd Vanderpool) I KNEW I was at the right place. To this day I still believe in that. Destiny's Gym is my home. Shortly after my decision to train with Syd, the opportunity came to take a job in Waterloo. Although I had very mixed feelings about it(I was extremely happy where I was), I took the job, I really felt that EVERYTHING in my life was pulling toward Kitchener/Waterloo. I even considered moving and selling my house. I didn't question it, I embraced the new chance at a new life.
After my exhibition with Devin McAndrew things started to really snowball in a downhill fashion and fast. I'll spare you all the details, but I'll add some things together and you can do the math. My depression always hits me hardest in the winter. I think this is a very common thing that many people share, especially people that suffer from depression. This year was no different for me, but I actually was able to do better than most years this time, I think because I was so busy trying to balance my life I didn't have time to absorb it!Haters were coming on strong in my blog, and I also felt that being a manager with many of my staff reading my blog affected my ability to write honestly, especially when I leave myself so vulnerable at times with the way I write.I was in a leadership role, I didn't want people coming into work doubting my ability to lead. So I stopped blogging. Again. My job was demanding, specifically the hours. It was very common for me to leave the restaurant at 5am, get home at 6am, get to sleep by 630am and then get up at 830am to spar at the gym for 10am. I was spending less time at the gym, and the times that I was there, I was struggling, one sparring session Syd just pulled me out of there, I wasn't moving, he wouldn't let me continue, guys were just playing tee-ball with my head. Syd used to always ask me how I FELT each time he saw me, now he was asking me how much SLEEP I got the night before. I wasn't putting the time in that I needed, not devoting the extra time required for me to succeed. Less time in the gym can only mean one thing. And not only can I not afford to spend less time in the gym, I need to be there twice or even three times longer than anyone else. Something had to give. Then I cancelled a session with Syd irresponsibly, and that was it, something gave.
Some changes have been made. Lucas Rowe(more about Lucas later) has taken over my private sessions. Syd has stepped back for the moment but is still actively involved in my developement, seeing me once a week in a semi-private session. And of course supervises most if not all of the sparring, so Syd is around, and sees everything, and knows exactly what is going on with his fighters, and where they are at. He knew where I was at, and thus made the change, I don't think it was because he doesn't believe in me anymore, or doesn't want this for me, but something had to change. Syd once said to me that as long as I was 100% committed, that he was 100% in . Well I wasn't 100% committed. so changes were made. When Syd sat me down to discuss where we were at, he told me a story, that led to this punchline "You can't want it more than the fighter". I got the message. I know Syd likes me. I know he is passionate about what he does. But he can't want this dream of mine more than me, nor he can do the work for me. So although there has been a change, it changes nothing, boxing is my priority, my dream means everything. Other changes had to be made.
To futher shorten this story, I sat down with my boss and long time friend(brothers really, we've been through a lifetime of stuff together) and he gave me some options, I stepped down from managing, and went back to serving at my old location. It cuts down my hours in half, and will allow me to train the way I want to. It has already made a big difference. I'm resting, I'm putting the extra work in, I'm training harder than ever. I'm grateful to Dan, although things didn't work out the way we both hoped it would, he still made it possible for me to keep my life in a situation where I can make this dream happen. To box. He's a fighter himself, having competed on the international level in Tae Kwon Do, he understands how important this is to me. Now that I'm not managing anymore, I also feel more comfortable in writing the blog, I can put more "out there" and not feel that there will be a consequence to it.
Pretty long blog entry, we're almost caught up though. I'll talk about Jamaica, meeting Lenox Lewis, I'll address the 'haters', update my current training schedule, and most importantly what is next...The Golden Gloves Championships in April, where I will do my best to make our team! Stay posted, the best is yet to come...
When Joe Phillips intoduced me to Syd, I KNEW there was a reason. In the upcoming weeks at Destiny(BBSV-Boxing By Syd Vanderpool) I KNEW I was at the right place. To this day I still believe in that. Destiny's Gym is my home. Shortly after my decision to train with Syd, the opportunity came to take a job in Waterloo. Although I had very mixed feelings about it(I was extremely happy where I was), I took the job, I really felt that EVERYTHING in my life was pulling toward Kitchener/Waterloo. I even considered moving and selling my house. I didn't question it, I embraced the new chance at a new life.
After my exhibition with Devin McAndrew things started to really snowball in a downhill fashion and fast. I'll spare you all the details, but I'll add some things together and you can do the math. My depression always hits me hardest in the winter. I think this is a very common thing that many people share, especially people that suffer from depression. This year was no different for me, but I actually was able to do better than most years this time, I think because I was so busy trying to balance my life I didn't have time to absorb it!Haters were coming on strong in my blog, and I also felt that being a manager with many of my staff reading my blog affected my ability to write honestly, especially when I leave myself so vulnerable at times with the way I write.I was in a leadership role, I didn't want people coming into work doubting my ability to lead. So I stopped blogging. Again. My job was demanding, specifically the hours. It was very common for me to leave the restaurant at 5am, get home at 6am, get to sleep by 630am and then get up at 830am to spar at the gym for 10am. I was spending less time at the gym, and the times that I was there, I was struggling, one sparring session Syd just pulled me out of there, I wasn't moving, he wouldn't let me continue, guys were just playing tee-ball with my head. Syd used to always ask me how I FELT each time he saw me, now he was asking me how much SLEEP I got the night before. I wasn't putting the time in that I needed, not devoting the extra time required for me to succeed. Less time in the gym can only mean one thing. And not only can I not afford to spend less time in the gym, I need to be there twice or even three times longer than anyone else. Something had to give. Then I cancelled a session with Syd irresponsibly, and that was it, something gave.
Some changes have been made. Lucas Rowe(more about Lucas later) has taken over my private sessions. Syd has stepped back for the moment but is still actively involved in my developement, seeing me once a week in a semi-private session. And of course supervises most if not all of the sparring, so Syd is around, and sees everything, and knows exactly what is going on with his fighters, and where they are at. He knew where I was at, and thus made the change, I don't think it was because he doesn't believe in me anymore, or doesn't want this for me, but something had to change. Syd once said to me that as long as I was 100% committed, that he was 100% in . Well I wasn't 100% committed. so changes were made. When Syd sat me down to discuss where we were at, he told me a story, that led to this punchline "You can't want it more than the fighter". I got the message. I know Syd likes me. I know he is passionate about what he does. But he can't want this dream of mine more than me, nor he can do the work for me. So although there has been a change, it changes nothing, boxing is my priority, my dream means everything. Other changes had to be made.
To futher shorten this story, I sat down with my boss and long time friend(brothers really, we've been through a lifetime of stuff together) and he gave me some options, I stepped down from managing, and went back to serving at my old location. It cuts down my hours in half, and will allow me to train the way I want to. It has already made a big difference. I'm resting, I'm putting the extra work in, I'm training harder than ever. I'm grateful to Dan, although things didn't work out the way we both hoped it would, he still made it possible for me to keep my life in a situation where I can make this dream happen. To box. He's a fighter himself, having competed on the international level in Tae Kwon Do, he understands how important this is to me. Now that I'm not managing anymore, I also feel more comfortable in writing the blog, I can put more "out there" and not feel that there will be a consequence to it.
Pretty long blog entry, we're almost caught up though. I'll talk about Jamaica, meeting Lenox Lewis, I'll address the 'haters', update my current training schedule, and most importantly what is next...The Golden Gloves Championships in April, where I will do my best to make our team! Stay posted, the best is yet to come...
Thursday, February 14, 2013
I'm Still Here
Share the dream. Share what dream? After months of resting my head on my pillow with tears in my eyes, I've laid there unable to sleep, asking myself, what the fuck am I doing? Why do I need to do this so badly? Why am I getting nowhere? I have given up everything, love, career, friends, family, and for what? For a dream? For a dream that will never result in anything? For a dream that doesn't lead to fame or fortune? All this for a stupid dream? After the tears would go away, the answer would come, yes, all this for a dream.
After much debate, mostly with myself, I have decided to blog again. Again. I don't know how many times in the last 2 years I have gone through this .I've been inspired, driven, successful, battered, disappointed, elated, destroyed, defeated, it has been a neverending cycle. I don't know how many times I have convinced myself that I am doing the right thing by blogging about my dream to box. So many things have happened to deter me from doing so. After what has been another difficult season, where I was not too concerned with my emotions due to the fact that I always struggle around the holidays, I faced more than just depression issues this time. This blog is supposed to be about inspiration and bringing people together, it was what I always thought it would accomplish, what I always hoped and believed it would do. The problem is, I try and write as honest as I can, but I have to be mindful of other people in my life and how it affects them, and this influences the integrity of my blog. I also don't want to write about negative things, so when I go through hard times, I don't write. I know I should write, but it's not easy to put yourself out there the way I have in the past. I am an emotional person, things get to me, and after receiving a great deal of hate mail that seemed to get worse by every blog, and after a change in the lead of my training(I'll blog more about that later), and after my new(now old) job was taking away from my time in the gym, I decided to fuck the blog. Everything was going downhill, and I didn't want to write, I didn't want anyone to know anything anymore. I just wanted to go about my business and box, achieve my dream on my own. If I can't write honestly, I just won't write. I need to show more actions than words anyway, and the blog, it's just words. Besides, I am failing.
Well despite what some people may think, or despite what some people will say, I'm still here. And I'm ready to fight. Fight for what I believe in. And I'm ready to write. Write what I believe in.So, once again you get all of me. Some think I do this to get famous, some think I want attention, some even suggest that I write to get laid. Think what you want, it doesn't matter anymore, I know why I am writing, I know what the blog is and what it can do, I know what it is meant to do, more importantly, I know what I want it to do. I realize now that I won't be understood, that whoever you are, you will read and see what you want to, I can't change that. Some people see what I'm doing as inspiring, they see a guy trying to live his dream. They want to be inspired so they see what they want. Some have suggested that I need to have a fight to legitimize my blog, my life, that until that happens I am a phony, a fake. Again, you will see what you want, fight or no fight. One person that has known me for years wrote a message stating that I am a drunk and I will always be a drunk. Again, you will see what you want. Let me tell you what I see in myself.
I see a person that is JUST LIKE YOU. I see a person that makes mistakes and does his best to right his wrongs. I see a person that genuninely cares about other people, that tries to see the good in everyone no matter what. I see a person that is sad, sad because of all the loved ones lost in such a short time, I see someone that doesn't know how to grieve or let go. I see a recovering alcoholic that struggles at times. I see a person searching for love in every aspect of his life. I see a person that can forgive and wants to be forgiven. I see someone that believes in the goodness of people and that we can all be part of something special. I see someone that is afraid of going after his dreams, that feels paralyzed at the thought of failing. I see a quitter. I see someone that refuses to quit. I see a fighter, inside and outside the ring. I see someone that is special, simply because he knows that he isn't better than anyone else. Nor is he any worse. I see humanity, I see love, I see peace, I see...you.
I'm going to write the blog. My blog. I'm going to write about all the good things that happen. And all the bad. I've come too far now, I feel like I've sacraficed so much. Love, family, friends, so many are gone now, so many have given up. The truth is, I feel like giving up. Sometimes. But I know that I won't, I can't . The jury is still out on many things, there is so much 'when and if' when it comes to this journey. But if I've learned anything about myself in the last 4 years it's this,I can do something I thought I NEVER could do. I can stay sober, I can stay clean. I can do the impossible. I can do anything. I have heart. I am a fighter. I have the heart of a fighter. And just like so many of my sparring rounds that have seen me get my head knocked off, this blog, this journey, has shown me something...I'm still here. I'm a fighter, and I'm still here. Are you?
I'm going to continue sharing my blog with you, sharing my journey, sharing my dream. I'll spend the next few blogs, going through where I am at, updating you with my current status and changes that have been made. It won't always be emotional like this entry, but no promises, when I sit to write, there is very seldom a plan, I type what is in my head. So, you get what you get. I've said it in the past, and I mean it, I still believe in what I'm doing, even after everything that has happened, I still believe. I believe that we're in this together, my dream, your dream, my life, your life. We can't do it alone, we need each other, that;s what it's all about. Together. At least, that's what I believe. I believe in sharing the dream.
After much debate, mostly with myself, I have decided to blog again. Again. I don't know how many times in the last 2 years I have gone through this .I've been inspired, driven, successful, battered, disappointed, elated, destroyed, defeated, it has been a neverending cycle. I don't know how many times I have convinced myself that I am doing the right thing by blogging about my dream to box. So many things have happened to deter me from doing so. After what has been another difficult season, where I was not too concerned with my emotions due to the fact that I always struggle around the holidays, I faced more than just depression issues this time. This blog is supposed to be about inspiration and bringing people together, it was what I always thought it would accomplish, what I always hoped and believed it would do. The problem is, I try and write as honest as I can, but I have to be mindful of other people in my life and how it affects them, and this influences the integrity of my blog. I also don't want to write about negative things, so when I go through hard times, I don't write. I know I should write, but it's not easy to put yourself out there the way I have in the past. I am an emotional person, things get to me, and after receiving a great deal of hate mail that seemed to get worse by every blog, and after a change in the lead of my training(I'll blog more about that later), and after my new(now old) job was taking away from my time in the gym, I decided to fuck the blog. Everything was going downhill, and I didn't want to write, I didn't want anyone to know anything anymore. I just wanted to go about my business and box, achieve my dream on my own. If I can't write honestly, I just won't write. I need to show more actions than words anyway, and the blog, it's just words. Besides, I am failing.
Well despite what some people may think, or despite what some people will say, I'm still here. And I'm ready to fight. Fight for what I believe in. And I'm ready to write. Write what I believe in.So, once again you get all of me. Some think I do this to get famous, some think I want attention, some even suggest that I write to get laid. Think what you want, it doesn't matter anymore, I know why I am writing, I know what the blog is and what it can do, I know what it is meant to do, more importantly, I know what I want it to do. I realize now that I won't be understood, that whoever you are, you will read and see what you want to, I can't change that. Some people see what I'm doing as inspiring, they see a guy trying to live his dream. They want to be inspired so they see what they want. Some have suggested that I need to have a fight to legitimize my blog, my life, that until that happens I am a phony, a fake. Again, you will see what you want, fight or no fight. One person that has known me for years wrote a message stating that I am a drunk and I will always be a drunk. Again, you will see what you want. Let me tell you what I see in myself.
I see a person that is JUST LIKE YOU. I see a person that makes mistakes and does his best to right his wrongs. I see a person that genuninely cares about other people, that tries to see the good in everyone no matter what. I see a person that is sad, sad because of all the loved ones lost in such a short time, I see someone that doesn't know how to grieve or let go. I see a recovering alcoholic that struggles at times. I see a person searching for love in every aspect of his life. I see a person that can forgive and wants to be forgiven. I see someone that believes in the goodness of people and that we can all be part of something special. I see someone that is afraid of going after his dreams, that feels paralyzed at the thought of failing. I see a quitter. I see someone that refuses to quit. I see a fighter, inside and outside the ring. I see someone that is special, simply because he knows that he isn't better than anyone else. Nor is he any worse. I see humanity, I see love, I see peace, I see...you.
I'm going to write the blog. My blog. I'm going to write about all the good things that happen. And all the bad. I've come too far now, I feel like I've sacraficed so much. Love, family, friends, so many are gone now, so many have given up. The truth is, I feel like giving up. Sometimes. But I know that I won't, I can't . The jury is still out on many things, there is so much 'when and if' when it comes to this journey. But if I've learned anything about myself in the last 4 years it's this,I can do something I thought I NEVER could do. I can stay sober, I can stay clean. I can do the impossible. I can do anything. I have heart. I am a fighter. I have the heart of a fighter. And just like so many of my sparring rounds that have seen me get my head knocked off, this blog, this journey, has shown me something...I'm still here. I'm a fighter, and I'm still here. Are you?
I'm going to continue sharing my blog with you, sharing my journey, sharing my dream. I'll spend the next few blogs, going through where I am at, updating you with my current status and changes that have been made. It won't always be emotional like this entry, but no promises, when I sit to write, there is very seldom a plan, I type what is in my head. So, you get what you get. I've said it in the past, and I mean it, I still believe in what I'm doing, even after everything that has happened, I still believe. I believe that we're in this together, my dream, your dream, my life, your life. We can't do it alone, we need each other, that;s what it's all about. Together. At least, that's what I believe. I believe in sharing the dream.
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