At this time in my life, it's all about moving forward for me. One of my biggest 'crutches' has always been getting stuck in the past and not letting go. These days however, I feel I've made great efforts to focus my life on the future and living in the moment. I'm not a big one for birthdays or xmas, I think everyday should be celebrated and there shouldn't be a specific time or season when we should treat each other better and be in the "xmas spirit". But I recognize that milestones and land mark days are nice, and they do give us all an opportunity to share special moments with one another. Today is August 4th, I have been clean and sober for 5 years now...
I remember when I was in rehab, wow difficult it was for me to understand MY condition. Although all of us were obvious addicts, I was somewhat in a unique situation and different from most of the guys in the program. They all seemed to have many things in common, there were so many things that I didn't understand and couldn't relate to, I almost left 2 days in. We would sit and have group talks, and although I would speak at my turn, I wasn't really telling anyone anything significant to the cause, but in my defence I was trying to figure out what was going on myself! Then one day when it was my turn to speak, it just happened, I started telling everyone about my life, about my family, friends, the past, loves, tennis, EVERYTHING. It became emotional, I let everything go. Fuck. Although it felt like I should be embarrassed, I was ok, I looked around the room and it seemed that everyone else was crying with me, I felt a lot closer to the guys, I shared things with them that I never shared with anyone in my life, and they in return also 'shared'. Then I started understanding my condition and how I became an alcoholic and a drug addict, I began to understand how I became so uncomfortable in my own skin, why I was on a path to destroy myself. I began to see the reasons for everything. Especially the reasons why I couldn't use anymore. I had to quit. Everything. If I wanted to live my life the way I wanted to, it had to be without alcohol, and drugs. But to go the REST of my life without EVER doing it again? This was a difficult proposition. An impossible one to me.
There are many slogans in AA. Cliches if you will. They all help, different ones for different people. On Facebook you see people post positive reinforcement quotes all the time, they're all great, but some will resonate more with you than others. Some will stick out, change your way of thinking, forever. OR, maybe just for that day. I remember telling one of the counselors there that I couldn't see myself going the REST OF MY LIFE without drinking ever again. His response I will never forget, it became the one slogan that changed my way of living, he said that I didn't have to worry about staying clean the rest of my life, I only had to worry about today. One day at a time. It stuck with me. And to this day, when I write my list of goals for the day, the first one on the list is STAY SOBER, STAY CLEAN. And for the last 5 years, there's been a check mark everytime it has been written down.
Who knows what life will bring. I think the one gift that sobriety has given me has been to treasure each and every moment in it's own place. To value everyone that comes into my life, and to treasure the time you have with them. To celebrate everybody in my life. You just never know when that collection of people will ever happen again. I'm an emotional person. I cry. Since rehab, it's impossible for me to keep things in, I shed tears all the time, especially in happy moments. But, that's how I roll, I'm ok with it. It's me. Today is an emotional day for me. It's a happy landmark day, I've been clean and sober for 5 years. There are so many things for me to be grateful and happy for. One thing especially great about August 4th...it's my niece's birthday!
