I have received some criticism since the 'rebirth' of the blog and my journey. I knew it was coming,and it is exactly what I expected. I knew that I had lost a lot of support from many of my followers from before. I don't blame them at all, it has been one messed up journey. Mostly I know people are confused about what it is I am trying to do. Why blog? Why box? Why any of this? I have been hesitant in the past about explaining the WHOLE truth to everyone(at the time my sister was the only one I told), the reasons for this were my own, but as I stated before I really have nothing to lose at this point, and brutal honesty is the only way to go. In the past I was afraid that people wouldn't believe me, or that they would think I was crazy and belong in a mental institution. Well that may be the case anyway so here goes! If you think I have critics and haters now, hold onto to your seat, that group is about to increase it's population, you're gonna looooooove this...
When I got out of rehab 4 years ago, the first 2 years of my sobriety were hell, especially the first year. I would wake up every morning with so much depression and anxiety I wouldn't know what to do. My doctor insisted that I go on medication, but I refused to, if I was going to quit drugs and alcohol I felt that using something else to numb myself would defeat the purpose. So I suffered through it. For those of you that take anti-depressants or anxiety pills, you know what it is to go without, it's no picnic. I used to pray every morning, not out of any real belief in god(our relationship has been a very rocky one at best) but out of total desperation. Afterall, I had asked him for so many miracles that never came through in the past, I was barely asking for anything this time, I just wanted to breathe, and stop crying every morning. And of course I asked to stay clean. Time went on, and for no real reason, I did get better, I started to function, and although I never wanted to fully acknowledge it,(I still don't want to) I knew it was because of him. God.
Still there folks? Yeah, well, it gets better. Everyday I would run at the track at a nearby highschool, when I was done, I would lie in the middle of the soccer field and meditate. Just breathing exercises for the most part. Then it started happening. The "visions". To best explain these "visions" I can only come up with this, it isn't a supernatural force or anything like that, it is exactly like a daydream. Only difference I suppose is that I couldn't really control it, it was unrelenting, it was instructional, it was clear. I was to pursue my dream to box professional, I was to blog about it, I was to get a following and with that following raise money and awareness for dying children, for Sick Kids. This daydream follows me everywhere, it inhabits absolutely every part of my being. 24-7 as they say.
I spent the last 2 years doing what I thought was right, with a few alterations of my own, I've paid the price for not being true to what it is I know in my heart is right. I acted out of fear, fear of failing. And I have failed up to this point. I want it to be understood that I certainly don't think I am doing God's work, I'm not trying to be a prophet or a symbol of inspiration. I'm just a guy following his dream to box and sharing my story with others. That's it. I'm not a writer, in fact when I had these 'daydreams' to blog, I had no fuckin' idea what a blog was. (those that know me, know this to be true, I got my first computer and e-mail address 5 years ago!) My story has been labeled by some as 'inspiring", I am very uncomfortable with that. The blog is inspiring because it is YOU the viewers that inspire me to go on, not the other way around. I don't think my journey is "inspiring" at all. "Interesting" sure. And if interesting gets me readers, and gets me exposure so that I can bring awareness to the cause, I'll take it.
Right now, I have but one goal. Well I suppose I have several, but I am focused at one thing right now. Box. I know in my heart that I need to do this, and if I do, with all the dedication, integrity and purity that is required, everything else will take care of itself. I believe this. I really do. I believe this because everytime, I stray away from this "vision", nothing in my life works. Nothing.
So there you have it. There is a lot more detail than that. But you just got an overview. There is a method to my madness. You'll just have to trust me. Or...don't! It makes no difference to me really, but I actually know what I am doing, and why I'm doing it. I was critisized by a reader who wanted to know, "Are you a blogger? Or are you a boxer?" If you need to label me, then I guess, since I haven't had a fight yet, I'm just a blogger. Feel better? Some think I am just doing this for attention, I've gone through so much embarrassment and humiliation in the last 2 years, trust me, blogging and bringing more attention to myself is the LAST thing I want to do. I wish I could just do this in anonimity, no exposure, no pressure, no anxiety, no one judging me, no one holding me accountable, win, lose or draw, no consequences. One small problem. I still believe. I still believe that I must follow my heart. I still believe in the goodness in people. I still believe that I can bring people together. I still believe that I can be a better person. I still believe that I can heal, that I can find redemption. I still believe in love. I believe in dreams. All dreams. Your dreams. My dreams. CHILDREN'S dreams. And I believe, as crazy as it sounds, that through boxing, I can show you that anything is possible.
So you see, I don't really have a choice. I don't see how ANYONE with a dream, has a choice.
I'll post now. I never proof read my blogs, that's why you often find spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I don't proof read because I know I'll change things and regret what I just wrote. I'm definitely not reading THIS one back! I'll just post, and regret it later!
