I'm up late, having trouble sleeping. I had the day off work, and spent a good portion of the day working on my jab. Shadowing, slow motion, in front of the mirror, gloves on, gloves off, hitting the bag, I must've thrown 1500 jabs today. After Syd made the adjustments, it has been on my mind, I know that repitition is the only way to improve quickly, I also worked on my breathing, but not as much as my jab. I probably over did it, I can barely raise my arm.
I also had too much time on my hands. I woke up this mornning with a lot of anxiety. This isn't uncommon, and it is so second nature for me now, I know exactly what to do when it happens. I have the benefit of experience, I know it will go away. There's no need to get emotional about it (although admittedly sometimes I still do), I just have to get moving, get out of bed make my list of things to do for the day and get to it. I usually start every morning with a walk, I'll walk to the grocery store and get some breakfast and walk back. By that time, I'm usually better. Today it didn't work so much. I've got a lot on my mind these days.
The blog is an interesting thing for me, it's an on going inner conflict. It's an obvious thing to say 'why do it if you don't want to?' 'why reveal yourself this way?' 'It isn't neccessary to tell people about your personal life'. The problem with me is that I will decide to blog and I don't really have anything planned, I just write. Sometimes I go off and I can't help myself, I'll just start typing from the heart, something I'm really feeling at the time, I'll post, read it again, and many times regret it. Then I'll get a personal message from an old friend, or maybe even someone I don't know, telling me that they were inspired, or that they can relate to something, maybe they know someone that is or has gone through the same stuggles as I have. Or they'll tell me that they decided to start something they've always wanted to do, after reading my blog. So although I often have my doubts about what I'm doing, I get inspired by others so often, I receive so much energy from it, it helps me go on, and in my heart I know that there are reasons why I blog, other than the obvious.
We are all the same. We have all gone through tough times, we have all lost loved ones, we all struggle with life, we all need love, we all want to belong to something, to be a part of something good. We all have dreams. I have always tried to be honest with the blog, I think in the past I always felt pressure to write something inspiring, instead of just writing something honest. Going the honest route is tough sometimes, it's depressing, it's hard to show your vulnerability. The fact is, sometimes I feel totally lost, and sad. Writing about your feelings is one thing, talking about it is another. The other day a co-worker asked me a question about something I wrote, I instantly felt tears rush to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I told her that I was sorry that I couldn't talk about it and walked away to compose myself. I realized, I'm not ready to deal with certain things in my past. Can I heal through writing? I don't know. I'm also aware that I have co-workers that read my blog and there is a line I can't neccessarily cross. I have to maintain a level of professionalism and leadership, I'm not sure where that line is in revealing my emotions. But brutal honesty is really the only way that this blog will do what it is intended to, so I guess I will just continue to write from the heart. I've learned that for myself, it's the only way.
So being inspirational is not any part of a plan, being honest is. And today I felt shitty, but on the good side it made me throw jabs until my arm was exhausted and I also had someone special txt me to let me know she was there for me, like many of you are. There for me. I know this journey can feel lonely at times, but I know that I am not alone, none of us are. And I know that my mission is no different than anyone elses mission, we're all just trying to live life the best way we know how, to be the best people we can be without hurting anyone else. In this belief, I don't feel alone at all. I feel like we're all the same. I feel like I can go on, and wake up tomorrow and do what I set out to do, chase my dream. And in doing so, share my efforts, with you.
