Share the dream. Share what dream? After months of resting my head on my pillow with tears in my eyes, I've laid there unable to sleep, asking myself, what the fuck am I doing? Why do I need to do this so badly? Why am I getting nowhere? I have given up everything, love, career, friends, family, and for what? For a dream? For a dream that will never result in anything? For a dream that doesn't lead to fame or fortune? All this for a stupid dream? After the tears would go away, the answer would come, yes, all this for a dream.
After much debate, mostly with myself, I have decided to blog again. Again. I don't know how many times in the last 2 years I have gone through this .I've been inspired, driven, successful, battered, disappointed, elated, destroyed, defeated, it has been a neverending cycle. I don't know how many times I have convinced myself that I am doing the right thing by blogging about my dream to box. So many things have happened to deter me from doing so. After what has been another difficult season, where I was not too concerned with my emotions due to the fact that I always struggle around the holidays, I faced more than just depression issues this time. This blog is supposed to be about inspiration and bringing people together, it was what I always thought it would accomplish, what I always hoped and believed it would do. The problem is, I try and write as honest as I can, but I have to be mindful of other people in my life and how it affects them, and this influences the integrity of my blog. I also don't want to write about negative things, so when I go through hard times, I don't write. I know I should write, but it's not easy to put yourself out there the way I have in the past. I am an emotional person, things get to me, and after receiving a great deal of hate mail that seemed to get worse by every blog, and after a change in the lead of my training(I'll blog more about that later), and after my new(now old) job was taking away from my time in the gym, I decided to fuck the blog. Everything was going downhill, and I didn't want to write, I didn't want anyone to know anything anymore. I just wanted to go about my business and box, achieve my dream on my own. If I can't write honestly, I just won't write. I need to show more actions than words anyway, and the blog, it's just words. Besides, I am failing.
Well despite what some people may think, or despite what some people will say, I'm still here. And I'm ready to fight. Fight for what I believe in. And I'm ready to write. Write what I believe in.So, once again you get all of me. Some think I do this to get famous, some think I want attention, some even suggest that I write to get laid. Think what you want, it doesn't matter anymore, I know why I am writing, I know what the blog is and what it can do, I know what it is meant to do, more importantly, I know what I want it to do. I realize now that I won't be understood, that whoever you are, you will read and see what you want to, I can't change that. Some people see what I'm doing as inspiring, they see a guy trying to live his dream. They want to be inspired so they see what they want. Some have suggested that I need to have a fight to legitimize my blog, my life, that until that happens I am a phony, a fake. Again, you will see what you want, fight or no fight. One person that has known me for years wrote a message stating that I am a drunk and I will always be a drunk. Again, you will see what you want. Let me tell you what I see in myself.
I see a person that is JUST LIKE YOU. I see a person that makes mistakes and does his best to right his wrongs. I see a person that genuninely cares about other people, that tries to see the good in everyone no matter what. I see a person that is sad, sad because of all the loved ones lost in such a short time, I see someone that doesn't know how to grieve or let go. I see a recovering alcoholic that struggles at times. I see a person searching for love in every aspect of his life. I see a person that can forgive and wants to be forgiven. I see someone that believes in the goodness of people and that we can all be part of something special. I see someone that is afraid of going after his dreams, that feels paralyzed at the thought of failing. I see a quitter. I see someone that refuses to quit. I see a fighter, inside and outside the ring. I see someone that is special, simply because he knows that he isn't better than anyone else. Nor is he any worse. I see humanity, I see love, I see peace, I see...you.
I'm going to write the blog. My blog. I'm going to write about all the good things that happen. And all the bad. I've come too far now, I feel like I've sacraficed so much. Love, family, friends, so many are gone now, so many have given up. The truth is, I feel like giving up. Sometimes. But I know that I won't, I can't . The jury is still out on many things, there is so much 'when and if' when it comes to this journey. But if I've learned anything about myself in the last 4 years it's this,I can do something I thought I NEVER could do. I can stay sober, I can stay clean. I can do the impossible. I can do anything. I have heart. I am a fighter. I have the heart of a fighter. And just like so many of my sparring rounds that have seen me get my head knocked off, this blog, this journey, has shown me something...I'm still here. I'm a fighter, and I'm still here. Are you?
I'm going to continue sharing my blog with you, sharing my journey, sharing my dream. I'll spend the next few blogs, going through where I am at, updating you with my current status and changes that have been made. It won't always be emotional like this entry, but no promises, when I sit to write, there is very seldom a plan, I type what is in my head. So, you get what you get. I've said it in the past, and I mean it, I still believe in what I'm doing, even after everything that has happened, I still believe. I believe that we're in this together, my dream, your dream, my life, your life. We can't do it alone, we need each other, that;s what it's all about. Together. At least, that's what I believe. I believe in sharing the dream.
