It's an elating process. I know what time I will go to the gym. When I start getting ready to leave the house, it begins. The rush. I'm excited. Happy. The drive takes a little more than half an hour. No music, I'll use the time to visualize what I will be doing at the gym. In my visualization, I'm moving beautifully, footwork is exact, punching crisply, attacking, dodging, slipping. My hands are heavy when I strike but light when I'm moving. My stomach tight, able to absorb any pain. Syd is instructing, and I am picking up his instruction and executing on request. I'm a boxer, a perfect boxer. I arrive at the gym, put my shoes on, handwraps are next. Once the wraps are on I jump rope. As soon as my body is glazed with sweat, I'm "in it". I'm ready, focused on doing everything I visualized doing. My energy is so high at this point, I am so far removed from anything else in my life. My family, friends, career, women, finances, all the troubles in my past, they're all gone. I'm not a son, I'm not a manager, I'm not a brother , an uncle, a cousin, a friend. I'm nothing but a boxer, a perfect boxer. If I won the lottery, if god granted me one wish, if there was anything, any place, any gift, any prize I could have, I would choose to be one place with one person, At the gym, with Syd, learning how to box. I've never experienced a bad day in the gym. Sure I've had days when something is off, but my mind and concentration are always where they need to be. Even when I am alone, training in my garage, I'm 'in it', focused. I'm not focused like that anywhere else in my life. When I am at work, I do me best to focus on what I need to do to run the shift, but my mind is always on boxing, especially when there is time to relax and we are not busy. When I am out socially it is even worse, my mind is never in the moment, I can never enjoy the company I am with because my mind is elsewhere. I'm in the gym. Feeling guilty knowing that I am wasting my time, and should be somewhere else, practising. Most times I force myself to go out and be social because I'm desperately searching for that 'balance' in my life. But the truth is, I don't see the point anymore. My mind and heart are only ever in one place
Yesterday was a bad day. I knew I had a session with Syd at 2. My mind was not where it needed to be from the moment I woke up. Lately it has been bad, so I thought I would get my 'roadwork' (running) out of the way and burn off some demons before I saw Syd. I got in the car and couldn't get my mind right. I couldn't visualize anything about boxing, my mind was on other problems. So I put music on to stop thinking about it. I couldn't tell you one song that played on my ipod. Shoes, handwraps, skipping done. I'm sweating, I should be ready, I should be 'in it', focused. But my mind is elsewhere, I'm not focused at all. On top of that, my legs are heavy. And it shows. Halfway through, Syd stops. He knows I'm off. He's not really concerned with the why, but more concerned on dealing with it. We both agree that this is an opportunity, a chance to overcome some adversity and be better. And that's what we did. I was still not at my best, but I was better. So something positive came out of it. Something positive always does. Syd and I talk a bit after and he tells me some of his beliefs. Things don't happen by accident, he believes we met for a reason, he tells me that we are going to do great things, Syd is not a man of many words. When he speaks, he's sincere, engaging. So I take these words to heart. I leave happy.
It doesn't last. I'm totally discouraged. It is the first time that I allowed anything to bother me while training. I wonder if my 'safe' heaven isn't safe anymore. If this will happen again. What will I do? I'm on my way to work now, where I have to shift my focus again. To add to my discontentment, some co-workers notice that something is wrong. Is it that visisble? Not good. There are tons of things that have to get done now, the board, shift meeting, party resos, new staff, the plumber, the schedule, line check, 86 items, interviews, call backs, guest complaints, voids, the list is growing. I'm getting hit with everthing, I have things to do, and my fuckin' head is at the gym, wondering why my footwork was so bad after practising it for countless hours in the last week.
The day ends. I recap. And my mind only wants to rehearse one thing. The words of Syd, "we're going to do great things".
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Bliss
The last 2 days have been great at Destiny's Gym. On friday I got a chance to do some light sparring drills with a few different guys. I felt great. I probably didn't LOOK that great actually but I felt great. In the hour, if I had to guess, there were probably 200 punches thrown at my head and I blocked every single one of them...with my face. It's true, I'm a decent puncher for sure but my defence is terrible. There is no easy way to put it. If you threw a beachball at me from 20 yards away I think it would find it's way to my face. The good news is I took the shots well. Although, we weren't sparring to kill each other, the guys I was up against were bigger and stronger than me and I took the punches well, my head feels fine as does my neck. It wasn't a frustrating experince really, I know I am rusty I haven't sparred since November. My arms were a little sore and lazy from throwing so many jabs in the last few days and were down much of the time, allowing the guys to land some nice clean shots. I landed too, but I wasn't too concerned with doing that. It just felt good to get in there and take some punches again. I got a long way to go there is no doubt, and I know that Syd won't let me fight until he feels that I am ready, I'm sure he wasn't too impressed with what he saw on friday, but hey, like I tell everybody, I box yes, but I never said I was any good at it! Saturday I would have another one-on-one session with Syd, maybe I can show him something...
My main goal on a day-to-day basis is to improve, especially in areas that Syd has gone over with me. I know Syd probably has an idea of the pace that I will improve at but he doesn't really know how hard I will work. If he asks me to practice something 50 times, I will practice it 500. If he tells me to work on my footwork for half an hour a day, I will do it for 2 hours. He's seen and heard it all before I'm sure. So the only way I can show Syd how serious and dedicated I am to my dream, is to improve at a rapid pace. The only way to do that is repitition. Repition equals hard work. In my mind I knew this from the start of my journey. Everyone, absolutely everyone is younger, quicker, more experienced and skilled than I. There's only one category I can win cleanly at, the effort category. I have to work harder than anyone. I have be more dedicated and determined than any of my competition. I've always known this. I know that may be the only advantage I can get. Anyway, it was very encourging when Syd told me that I will be ready for my first fight much sooner than he anticipated! This due to the amount of work I've done since our last session and the improvements he saw. To be 'fight' ready my footwork needs to be at least an 8 out of 10. Syd puts me at about a 4 right now. So overall, I'm happy, I know I will continue to improve at a rapid pace, so the 4 doesn't bother me at all, who knows, we might be a 10 by the end of the week.
So the last 2 days were great, I can't wait until I'm there full time, everyday. I can't describe the feeling of being there. And when I step into the ring to do ANYTHING, drilling, beatdowns, shadowing, footwork, sparring, it doesn't even matter, I feel like a different person, I feel completely happy. I have no worries, no demons, no stress. I feel like a kid whose only concern is to run ouside all day, and play.
My main goal on a day-to-day basis is to improve, especially in areas that Syd has gone over with me. I know Syd probably has an idea of the pace that I will improve at but he doesn't really know how hard I will work. If he asks me to practice something 50 times, I will practice it 500. If he tells me to work on my footwork for half an hour a day, I will do it for 2 hours. He's seen and heard it all before I'm sure. So the only way I can show Syd how serious and dedicated I am to my dream, is to improve at a rapid pace. The only way to do that is repitition. Repition equals hard work. In my mind I knew this from the start of my journey. Everyone, absolutely everyone is younger, quicker, more experienced and skilled than I. There's only one category I can win cleanly at, the effort category. I have to work harder than anyone. I have be more dedicated and determined than any of my competition. I've always known this. I know that may be the only advantage I can get. Anyway, it was very encourging when Syd told me that I will be ready for my first fight much sooner than he anticipated! This due to the amount of work I've done since our last session and the improvements he saw. To be 'fight' ready my footwork needs to be at least an 8 out of 10. Syd puts me at about a 4 right now. So overall, I'm happy, I know I will continue to improve at a rapid pace, so the 4 doesn't bother me at all, who knows, we might be a 10 by the end of the week.
So the last 2 days were great, I can't wait until I'm there full time, everyday. I can't describe the feeling of being there. And when I step into the ring to do ANYTHING, drilling, beatdowns, shadowing, footwork, sparring, it doesn't even matter, I feel like a different person, I feel completely happy. I have no worries, no demons, no stress. I feel like a kid whose only concern is to run ouside all day, and play.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
One Love
I'm up late, having trouble sleeping. I had the day off work, and spent a good portion of the day working on my jab. Shadowing, slow motion, in front of the mirror, gloves on, gloves off, hitting the bag, I must've thrown 1500 jabs today. After Syd made the adjustments, it has been on my mind, I know that repitition is the only way to improve quickly, I also worked on my breathing, but not as much as my jab. I probably over did it, I can barely raise my arm.
I also had too much time on my hands. I woke up this mornning with a lot of anxiety. This isn't uncommon, and it is so second nature for me now, I know exactly what to do when it happens. I have the benefit of experience, I know it will go away. There's no need to get emotional about it (although admittedly sometimes I still do), I just have to get moving, get out of bed make my list of things to do for the day and get to it. I usually start every morning with a walk, I'll walk to the grocery store and get some breakfast and walk back. By that time, I'm usually better. Today it didn't work so much. I've got a lot on my mind these days.
The blog is an interesting thing for me, it's an on going inner conflict. It's an obvious thing to say 'why do it if you don't want to?' 'why reveal yourself this way?' 'It isn't neccessary to tell people about your personal life'. The problem with me is that I will decide to blog and I don't really have anything planned, I just write. Sometimes I go off and I can't help myself, I'll just start typing from the heart, something I'm really feeling at the time, I'll post, read it again, and many times regret it. Then I'll get a personal message from an old friend, or maybe even someone I don't know, telling me that they were inspired, or that they can relate to something, maybe they know someone that is or has gone through the same stuggles as I have. Or they'll tell me that they decided to start something they've always wanted to do, after reading my blog. So although I often have my doubts about what I'm doing, I get inspired by others so often, I receive so much energy from it, it helps me go on, and in my heart I know that there are reasons why I blog, other than the obvious.
We are all the same. We have all gone through tough times, we have all lost loved ones, we all struggle with life, we all need love, we all want to belong to something, to be a part of something good. We all have dreams. I have always tried to be honest with the blog, I think in the past I always felt pressure to write something inspiring, instead of just writing something honest. Going the honest route is tough sometimes, it's depressing, it's hard to show your vulnerability. The fact is, sometimes I feel totally lost, and sad. Writing about your feelings is one thing, talking about it is another. The other day a co-worker asked me a question about something I wrote, I instantly felt tears rush to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I told her that I was sorry that I couldn't talk about it and walked away to compose myself. I realized, I'm not ready to deal with certain things in my past. Can I heal through writing? I don't know. I'm also aware that I have co-workers that read my blog and there is a line I can't neccessarily cross. I have to maintain a level of professionalism and leadership, I'm not sure where that line is in revealing my emotions. But brutal honesty is really the only way that this blog will do what it is intended to, so I guess I will just continue to write from the heart. I've learned that for myself, it's the only way.
So being inspirational is not any part of a plan, being honest is. And today I felt shitty, but on the good side it made me throw jabs until my arm was exhausted and I also had someone special txt me to let me know she was there for me, like many of you are. There for me. I know this journey can feel lonely at times, but I know that I am not alone, none of us are. And I know that my mission is no different than anyone elses mission, we're all just trying to live life the best way we know how, to be the best people we can be without hurting anyone else. In this belief, I don't feel alone at all. I feel like we're all the same. I feel like I can go on, and wake up tomorrow and do what I set out to do, chase my dream. And in doing so, share my efforts, with you.
I also had too much time on my hands. I woke up this mornning with a lot of anxiety. This isn't uncommon, and it is so second nature for me now, I know exactly what to do when it happens. I have the benefit of experience, I know it will go away. There's no need to get emotional about it (although admittedly sometimes I still do), I just have to get moving, get out of bed make my list of things to do for the day and get to it. I usually start every morning with a walk, I'll walk to the grocery store and get some breakfast and walk back. By that time, I'm usually better. Today it didn't work so much. I've got a lot on my mind these days.
The blog is an interesting thing for me, it's an on going inner conflict. It's an obvious thing to say 'why do it if you don't want to?' 'why reveal yourself this way?' 'It isn't neccessary to tell people about your personal life'. The problem with me is that I will decide to blog and I don't really have anything planned, I just write. Sometimes I go off and I can't help myself, I'll just start typing from the heart, something I'm really feeling at the time, I'll post, read it again, and many times regret it. Then I'll get a personal message from an old friend, or maybe even someone I don't know, telling me that they were inspired, or that they can relate to something, maybe they know someone that is or has gone through the same stuggles as I have. Or they'll tell me that they decided to start something they've always wanted to do, after reading my blog. So although I often have my doubts about what I'm doing, I get inspired by others so often, I receive so much energy from it, it helps me go on, and in my heart I know that there are reasons why I blog, other than the obvious.
We are all the same. We have all gone through tough times, we have all lost loved ones, we all struggle with life, we all need love, we all want to belong to something, to be a part of something good. We all have dreams. I have always tried to be honest with the blog, I think in the past I always felt pressure to write something inspiring, instead of just writing something honest. Going the honest route is tough sometimes, it's depressing, it's hard to show your vulnerability. The fact is, sometimes I feel totally lost, and sad. Writing about your feelings is one thing, talking about it is another. The other day a co-worker asked me a question about something I wrote, I instantly felt tears rush to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I told her that I was sorry that I couldn't talk about it and walked away to compose myself. I realized, I'm not ready to deal with certain things in my past. Can I heal through writing? I don't know. I'm also aware that I have co-workers that read my blog and there is a line I can't neccessarily cross. I have to maintain a level of professionalism and leadership, I'm not sure where that line is in revealing my emotions. But brutal honesty is really the only way that this blog will do what it is intended to, so I guess I will just continue to write from the heart. I've learned that for myself, it's the only way.
So being inspirational is not any part of a plan, being honest is. And today I felt shitty, but on the good side it made me throw jabs until my arm was exhausted and I also had someone special txt me to let me know she was there for me, like many of you are. There for me. I know this journey can feel lonely at times, but I know that I am not alone, none of us are. And I know that my mission is no different than anyone elses mission, we're all just trying to live life the best way we know how, to be the best people we can be without hurting anyone else. In this belief, I don't feel alone at all. I feel like we're all the same. I feel like I can go on, and wake up tomorrow and do what I set out to do, chase my dream. And in doing so, share my efforts, with you.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Another First Day
Yesterday was my first one-on-one day with Syd. I was a little nervous at first, I felt like I was auditioning. Obviously nothing was going to be determined after yesterday but I felt like I had to impress Syd with my boxing skill and maybe be better than he expected me to be. None of that really happened, but it was a great session and I learned a lot for the first day. Syd exposed some things that I do fudamentally wrong, so we started working on those things right away.
I always thought I had a good jab. In the last 2 years I would say that it definitely is my best punch. But I guess that doesn't neccessarily mean it is good! Syd made some minor(or major) adjustments, having me keeping my elbow in tighter to my body and rotating my fist much later in the punch, pressing down more firmly on my front foot and not leaning too forward. He also had me rotating my shoulder more to protect my chin better and get a little more 'pop' at the end of my punch. All theses tweeks were very small but definitely made a difference in the power of my punch and the fluidity in my movement.
The next thing to fix is my breathing. It is too obvious when I inhale and try to take in air. A boxer should be discreet when trying to do this, not allowing his opponent to observe when this is happening. That means poker face. Nothing in your face or body language should give away that you are trying to take in air. That's when you get hit. I don't do this well, and this will take a lot of practice, it is something I struggle with. Of course I will practice until I'm able to do it properly, but it will be more difficult than the adjustments made to my jab.
Overall, Syd said he liked two major things. First, was my willingness to learn, and second was how quickly I respond to his instructions and execute what he was asking me to do. I find that funny because usually, I don't! There is a stigma about me that people assume I am smart. I think it is a combination of things that lead to this assumption. First because I'm Asian, people assume I'm smart and good at math, nothing could be farther from the truth. Also I am fairly well spoken and people associate that with intelligence. Once again, not true in my case. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm stupid, but one thing I've learned about myself over the years is this, I do not process things quickly. I am slow. It is not uncommon for someone to have to go over things repeatedly for me to understand or pick up the idea. I'm not talking down about myself, it's just a fact! Anyone who has had the priviledge(or pain) of knowing me knows this, in order for me to 'get' something, you have to explain the same shit to me over and over and OVER again! So, when Syd said that I am a fast learner and pickup on his instuctions well, I was very happy. Shocked actually. Either I've improved, or I just got fuckin' lucky. Either way, I don't care, I'll take it!
Friday Syd has me doing some sparring so I'm extremely excited about that. I haven't sparred since November, when I received my concussion. I'm excited to see how my neck and head will respond to getting hit again, and if the treatments I received were enough for me to resume battle. I gotta believe they were.
I always thought I had a good jab. In the last 2 years I would say that it definitely is my best punch. But I guess that doesn't neccessarily mean it is good! Syd made some minor(or major) adjustments, having me keeping my elbow in tighter to my body and rotating my fist much later in the punch, pressing down more firmly on my front foot and not leaning too forward. He also had me rotating my shoulder more to protect my chin better and get a little more 'pop' at the end of my punch. All theses tweeks were very small but definitely made a difference in the power of my punch and the fluidity in my movement.
The next thing to fix is my breathing. It is too obvious when I inhale and try to take in air. A boxer should be discreet when trying to do this, not allowing his opponent to observe when this is happening. That means poker face. Nothing in your face or body language should give away that you are trying to take in air. That's when you get hit. I don't do this well, and this will take a lot of practice, it is something I struggle with. Of course I will practice until I'm able to do it properly, but it will be more difficult than the adjustments made to my jab.
Overall, Syd said he liked two major things. First, was my willingness to learn, and second was how quickly I respond to his instructions and execute what he was asking me to do. I find that funny because usually, I don't! There is a stigma about me that people assume I am smart. I think it is a combination of things that lead to this assumption. First because I'm Asian, people assume I'm smart and good at math, nothing could be farther from the truth. Also I am fairly well spoken and people associate that with intelligence. Once again, not true in my case. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm stupid, but one thing I've learned about myself over the years is this, I do not process things quickly. I am slow. It is not uncommon for someone to have to go over things repeatedly for me to understand or pick up the idea. I'm not talking down about myself, it's just a fact! Anyone who has had the priviledge(or pain) of knowing me knows this, in order for me to 'get' something, you have to explain the same shit to me over and over and OVER again! So, when Syd said that I am a fast learner and pickup on his instuctions well, I was very happy. Shocked actually. Either I've improved, or I just got fuckin' lucky. Either way, I don't care, I'll take it!
Friday Syd has me doing some sparring so I'm extremely excited about that. I haven't sparred since November, when I received my concussion. I'm excited to see how my neck and head will respond to getting hit again, and if the treatments I received were enough for me to resume battle. I gotta believe they were.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Down To Business
Alright so that's enough drama for now, let's get down to business. I start with Syd on Monday for our first of 4 private sessions in the next 2 weeeks, in that time he also has me scheduled for other workouts and some sparring rounds. The purpose of the next 2 weeks is to determine where I am, and to determine when we can schedule a fight!
I'm not in bad shape, but nowhere near the shape I was in a year ago. I'm not in 'fight' shape. My stint over the winter season saw me gain 21 lbs up to 163. I'm manageable now at 150 but that's still too heavy for me to move the way I want. Ideally I should be around 140-142. I think. I mean, I feel good at that weight, I'm quick and as strong as I would be at 165. The only thing is, I remember that I didn't look good, I looked sick and mal-nourished. But I'm not too concerned with my appearance actually, I just want to be in peak physical form no matter what that entails. It really doesn't matter, I'll leave it up to Syd to determine what weight I should be at, I'll leave it up to Syd for everything I guess.
Right now I run 4 miles a day, and skip 12, 3 minute rounds with a 30 second rest between rounds then I'll do some rounds of bag work depending how I feel. Right now I can't really manage to do more than 4 rounds of meaningful punching. Then I'll do 15-20 minutes worth of abs on alternating days. I've converted the garage to a little boxing gym, there's a punching bag, a double-end bag(a head-sized bag between 2 bungee-cords) and a speedbag, and there is enough room to skip and do anything required to do any boxing related training.
I'll increase my strength and conditioning time once I get my body lighter as to not put too much stress on my joints with a heavier frame. That's my reasoning right now. Maybe it's just an excuse for not training harder and avoiding pain! I'm actually just trying to be smart, I think 2 years ago I over-trained a lot. I was always injured and fighting through some kind of ache or pain, some part of my body was always trying to heal or recover. My workouts were many times based on whatever part of my body wasn't ailing. It's boxing afterall. Training is vigorous, hard on the body, you have to expect to be sore. I remember a good friend of mine Tebor(Canadian Champ at 150lbs) telling me that as a boxer you will NEVER be at 100% physically. That's proven to be true. So while I can't prepare for any injuries or ailments that the future will bring, mentally I am prepared, better prepared than I was 2 years ago anyway. Mentally I'm ready. For anything.
I meet with Angela next week so set my nutritional plan. We were going to try to meet this week but scheduling the time was tough. Perfect for me, I can eat garbage for another week! Meeting with Angela might be the most critical part of my training. Food, my kryptonite. You can tell me to do sprints on 45degree hills, tell me to do 100 burpees with a weighted vest, tell me to do crunches til I puke, but hold a french fry in front of and ask me not to eat it...almost impossible. Nutrition has always been a problem for me. Nutrution will be the ultimate gauge as to how committed I am to my dream. I did make great efforts a couple years ago, but if I were to honest with myself, I wasn't comitted enough to eating properly. I'm ready this time, ready to do what it takes, even if it means eating organic cardboard. Angela...be kind.
So there's much to be done. I know that regardless of anything going on around me, I can only control one thing, my effort. In the past, there wasn't enough focus, I have to learn from that and do things differently. I changed my schedule at work so that I work all closes. That will mean I'm working later nights but it will allow me to train at a consistent time everyday which is necessary for me. I need routine. Without routine I will struggle. Routine is important for my sobriety too. And my sobriety takes precedence over EVERYTHING, even boxing.
I think I've learned from the past. I know more about boxing and the politics behind the scenes. As far as my own journey is concerned, I'm more sure of what it is I'm doing and the reasons I'm doing it. I've never been more excited, it's time, time to get down to business.
I'm not in bad shape, but nowhere near the shape I was in a year ago. I'm not in 'fight' shape. My stint over the winter season saw me gain 21 lbs up to 163. I'm manageable now at 150 but that's still too heavy for me to move the way I want. Ideally I should be around 140-142. I think. I mean, I feel good at that weight, I'm quick and as strong as I would be at 165. The only thing is, I remember that I didn't look good, I looked sick and mal-nourished. But I'm not too concerned with my appearance actually, I just want to be in peak physical form no matter what that entails. It really doesn't matter, I'll leave it up to Syd to determine what weight I should be at, I'll leave it up to Syd for everything I guess.
Right now I run 4 miles a day, and skip 12, 3 minute rounds with a 30 second rest between rounds then I'll do some rounds of bag work depending how I feel. Right now I can't really manage to do more than 4 rounds of meaningful punching. Then I'll do 15-20 minutes worth of abs on alternating days. I've converted the garage to a little boxing gym, there's a punching bag, a double-end bag(a head-sized bag between 2 bungee-cords) and a speedbag, and there is enough room to skip and do anything required to do any boxing related training.
I'll increase my strength and conditioning time once I get my body lighter as to not put too much stress on my joints with a heavier frame. That's my reasoning right now. Maybe it's just an excuse for not training harder and avoiding pain! I'm actually just trying to be smart, I think 2 years ago I over-trained a lot. I was always injured and fighting through some kind of ache or pain, some part of my body was always trying to heal or recover. My workouts were many times based on whatever part of my body wasn't ailing. It's boxing afterall. Training is vigorous, hard on the body, you have to expect to be sore. I remember a good friend of mine Tebor(Canadian Champ at 150lbs) telling me that as a boxer you will NEVER be at 100% physically. That's proven to be true. So while I can't prepare for any injuries or ailments that the future will bring, mentally I am prepared, better prepared than I was 2 years ago anyway. Mentally I'm ready. For anything.
I meet with Angela next week so set my nutritional plan. We were going to try to meet this week but scheduling the time was tough. Perfect for me, I can eat garbage for another week! Meeting with Angela might be the most critical part of my training. Food, my kryptonite. You can tell me to do sprints on 45degree hills, tell me to do 100 burpees with a weighted vest, tell me to do crunches til I puke, but hold a french fry in front of and ask me not to eat it...almost impossible. Nutrition has always been a problem for me. Nutrution will be the ultimate gauge as to how committed I am to my dream. I did make great efforts a couple years ago, but if I were to honest with myself, I wasn't comitted enough to eating properly. I'm ready this time, ready to do what it takes, even if it means eating organic cardboard. Angela...be kind.
So there's much to be done. I know that regardless of anything going on around me, I can only control one thing, my effort. In the past, there wasn't enough focus, I have to learn from that and do things differently. I changed my schedule at work so that I work all closes. That will mean I'm working later nights but it will allow me to train at a consistent time everyday which is necessary for me. I need routine. Without routine I will struggle. Routine is important for my sobriety too. And my sobriety takes precedence over EVERYTHING, even boxing.
I think I've learned from the past. I know more about boxing and the politics behind the scenes. As far as my own journey is concerned, I'm more sure of what it is I'm doing and the reasons I'm doing it. I've never been more excited, it's time, time to get down to business.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
It Gets Better...
I have received some criticism since the 'rebirth' of the blog and my journey. I knew it was coming,and it is exactly what I expected. I knew that I had lost a lot of support from many of my followers from before. I don't blame them at all, it has been one messed up journey. Mostly I know people are confused about what it is I am trying to do. Why blog? Why box? Why any of this? I have been hesitant in the past about explaining the WHOLE truth to everyone(at the time my sister was the only one I told), the reasons for this were my own, but as I stated before I really have nothing to lose at this point, and brutal honesty is the only way to go. In the past I was afraid that people wouldn't believe me, or that they would think I was crazy and belong in a mental institution. Well that may be the case anyway so here goes! If you think I have critics and haters now, hold onto to your seat, that group is about to increase it's population, you're gonna looooooove this...
When I got out of rehab 4 years ago, the first 2 years of my sobriety were hell, especially the first year. I would wake up every morning with so much depression and anxiety I wouldn't know what to do. My doctor insisted that I go on medication, but I refused to, if I was going to quit drugs and alcohol I felt that using something else to numb myself would defeat the purpose. So I suffered through it. For those of you that take anti-depressants or anxiety pills, you know what it is to go without, it's no picnic. I used to pray every morning, not out of any real belief in god(our relationship has been a very rocky one at best) but out of total desperation. Afterall, I had asked him for so many miracles that never came through in the past, I was barely asking for anything this time, I just wanted to breathe, and stop crying every morning. And of course I asked to stay clean. Time went on, and for no real reason, I did get better, I started to function, and although I never wanted to fully acknowledge it,(I still don't want to) I knew it was because of him. God.
Still there folks? Yeah, well, it gets better. Everyday I would run at the track at a nearby highschool, when I was done, I would lie in the middle of the soccer field and meditate. Just breathing exercises for the most part. Then it started happening. The "visions". To best explain these "visions" I can only come up with this, it isn't a supernatural force or anything like that, it is exactly like a daydream. Only difference I suppose is that I couldn't really control it, it was unrelenting, it was instructional, it was clear. I was to pursue my dream to box professional, I was to blog about it, I was to get a following and with that following raise money and awareness for dying children, for Sick Kids. This daydream follows me everywhere, it inhabits absolutely every part of my being. 24-7 as they say.
I spent the last 2 years doing what I thought was right, with a few alterations of my own, I've paid the price for not being true to what it is I know in my heart is right. I acted out of fear, fear of failing. And I have failed up to this point. I want it to be understood that I certainly don't think I am doing God's work, I'm not trying to be a prophet or a symbol of inspiration. I'm just a guy following his dream to box and sharing my story with others. That's it. I'm not a writer, in fact when I had these 'daydreams' to blog, I had no fuckin' idea what a blog was. (those that know me, know this to be true, I got my first computer and e-mail address 5 years ago!) My story has been labeled by some as 'inspiring", I am very uncomfortable with that. The blog is inspiring because it is YOU the viewers that inspire me to go on, not the other way around. I don't think my journey is "inspiring" at all. "Interesting" sure. And if interesting gets me readers, and gets me exposure so that I can bring awareness to the cause, I'll take it.
Right now, I have but one goal. Well I suppose I have several, but I am focused at one thing right now. Box. I know in my heart that I need to do this, and if I do, with all the dedication, integrity and purity that is required, everything else will take care of itself. I believe this. I really do. I believe this because everytime, I stray away from this "vision", nothing in my life works. Nothing.
So there you have it. There is a lot more detail than that. But you just got an overview. There is a method to my madness. You'll just have to trust me. Or...don't! It makes no difference to me really, but I actually know what I am doing, and why I'm doing it. I was critisized by a reader who wanted to know, "Are you a blogger? Or are you a boxer?" If you need to label me, then I guess, since I haven't had a fight yet, I'm just a blogger. Feel better? Some think I am just doing this for attention, I've gone through so much embarrassment and humiliation in the last 2 years, trust me, blogging and bringing more attention to myself is the LAST thing I want to do. I wish I could just do this in anonimity, no exposure, no pressure, no anxiety, no one judging me, no one holding me accountable, win, lose or draw, no consequences. One small problem. I still believe. I still believe that I must follow my heart. I still believe in the goodness in people. I still believe that I can bring people together. I still believe that I can be a better person. I still believe that I can heal, that I can find redemption. I still believe in love. I believe in dreams. All dreams. Your dreams. My dreams. CHILDREN'S dreams. And I believe, as crazy as it sounds, that through boxing, I can show you that anything is possible.
So you see, I don't really have a choice. I don't see how ANYONE with a dream, has a choice.
I'll post now. I never proof read my blogs, that's why you often find spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I don't proof read because I know I'll change things and regret what I just wrote. I'm definitely not reading THIS one back! I'll just post, and regret it later!
When I got out of rehab 4 years ago, the first 2 years of my sobriety were hell, especially the first year. I would wake up every morning with so much depression and anxiety I wouldn't know what to do. My doctor insisted that I go on medication, but I refused to, if I was going to quit drugs and alcohol I felt that using something else to numb myself would defeat the purpose. So I suffered through it. For those of you that take anti-depressants or anxiety pills, you know what it is to go without, it's no picnic. I used to pray every morning, not out of any real belief in god(our relationship has been a very rocky one at best) but out of total desperation. Afterall, I had asked him for so many miracles that never came through in the past, I was barely asking for anything this time, I just wanted to breathe, and stop crying every morning. And of course I asked to stay clean. Time went on, and for no real reason, I did get better, I started to function, and although I never wanted to fully acknowledge it,(I still don't want to) I knew it was because of him. God.
Still there folks? Yeah, well, it gets better. Everyday I would run at the track at a nearby highschool, when I was done, I would lie in the middle of the soccer field and meditate. Just breathing exercises for the most part. Then it started happening. The "visions". To best explain these "visions" I can only come up with this, it isn't a supernatural force or anything like that, it is exactly like a daydream. Only difference I suppose is that I couldn't really control it, it was unrelenting, it was instructional, it was clear. I was to pursue my dream to box professional, I was to blog about it, I was to get a following and with that following raise money and awareness for dying children, for Sick Kids. This daydream follows me everywhere, it inhabits absolutely every part of my being. 24-7 as they say.
I spent the last 2 years doing what I thought was right, with a few alterations of my own, I've paid the price for not being true to what it is I know in my heart is right. I acted out of fear, fear of failing. And I have failed up to this point. I want it to be understood that I certainly don't think I am doing God's work, I'm not trying to be a prophet or a symbol of inspiration. I'm just a guy following his dream to box and sharing my story with others. That's it. I'm not a writer, in fact when I had these 'daydreams' to blog, I had no fuckin' idea what a blog was. (those that know me, know this to be true, I got my first computer and e-mail address 5 years ago!) My story has been labeled by some as 'inspiring", I am very uncomfortable with that. The blog is inspiring because it is YOU the viewers that inspire me to go on, not the other way around. I don't think my journey is "inspiring" at all. "Interesting" sure. And if interesting gets me readers, and gets me exposure so that I can bring awareness to the cause, I'll take it.
Right now, I have but one goal. Well I suppose I have several, but I am focused at one thing right now. Box. I know in my heart that I need to do this, and if I do, with all the dedication, integrity and purity that is required, everything else will take care of itself. I believe this. I really do. I believe this because everytime, I stray away from this "vision", nothing in my life works. Nothing.
So there you have it. There is a lot more detail than that. But you just got an overview. There is a method to my madness. You'll just have to trust me. Or...don't! It makes no difference to me really, but I actually know what I am doing, and why I'm doing it. I was critisized by a reader who wanted to know, "Are you a blogger? Or are you a boxer?" If you need to label me, then I guess, since I haven't had a fight yet, I'm just a blogger. Feel better? Some think I am just doing this for attention, I've gone through so much embarrassment and humiliation in the last 2 years, trust me, blogging and bringing more attention to myself is the LAST thing I want to do. I wish I could just do this in anonimity, no exposure, no pressure, no anxiety, no one judging me, no one holding me accountable, win, lose or draw, no consequences. One small problem. I still believe. I still believe that I must follow my heart. I still believe in the goodness in people. I still believe that I can bring people together. I still believe that I can be a better person. I still believe that I can heal, that I can find redemption. I still believe in love. I believe in dreams. All dreams. Your dreams. My dreams. CHILDREN'S dreams. And I believe, as crazy as it sounds, that through boxing, I can show you that anything is possible.
So you see, I don't really have a choice. I don't see how ANYONE with a dream, has a choice.
I'll post now. I never proof read my blogs, that's why you often find spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I don't proof read because I know I'll change things and regret what I just wrote. I'm definitely not reading THIS one back! I'll just post, and regret it later!
Friday, August 10, 2012
I Have A Home
Since I have announced my intentions to box again and pursue my dream, I have spent the week trying to put together a team. My team. The DreamTeam. Angela Scaturchio is back on board, she will be taking care of my nutritional plan. I got in touch with Dr.T and he has welcomed me back to take care of my body and all the enevitable aches and pains that will come in the future. I have learned enough in the last 2 years to take care of my own strength and conditioning, for now. The only piece missing, the most important piece of all, where am I going to train, will anyone even train me? The past 2 years has been a disaster for me, in terms of finding a trainer.
Greg Post wasn't a good trainer and really didn't want me in his gym, Chris Johnson had a lot of good boxers at his gym but had no time for me, Dewith Fraser was a nice mix of having no time for me AND not wanting me in his gym! Coach Rob had time for me but zero boxers in his gym and only MMA guys. It's been very frustrating for me to find somewhere that I feel comfortable, I don't necessarily have to find someone who believes in me, I just want to find someone that is willing to teach me what I need to excel at this. Most of what I've learned about boxing is from youtube(which is great by the way,at age 40 I learned how to properly peel a banana...pinch the bottom, who knew?) Although informative, not exactly an ideal way to improve. You can join a gym, get your work in, get sparring rounds, but most trainers spend time with the young guys, the prospects, boxers that they feel might have a future in the sport. I get it, really I do. Hard for anyone to believe that their time would be better served with a 40yr old who has an improbable goal, rather than with a 21yr old going to the Olympics. To get to where I want to be, I need attention from a trainer, everyday kind of attention. But to develop any athelete in any sport really, you need money, I don't have it. So I have been resided to the fact that I would join a gym, learn what I can, and just work hard, and hope that I can get a fight. I'm not going to go into depth, but boxing is very political. It isn't like any sport where you can register and compete when your game is up on the schedule. There are no assigned dates when you know that you can enter and compete. If you want to get a fight in boxing, the red tape is extensive. It is an event, put on by a promoter. Not unlike a dj getting a gig at a club. You need a venue, a dj that can play, then, most importantly, you need to sell tickets to the event. The better the djs, the more the created interest, the more tickets sold. Pretty simple math right? My situation is a little more difficult. I need to get clearance medically, I need approval from the boxing commission, I have to prove to the commission that I can fight and not get killed, a trainer has to back me and vouch to the commission, for that I need a trainer that believes in me, and wants to support me enough to let me represent him and his gym. A fight then needs to be found, an event promoter then needs a reason to put you on a card and match the fight with an opponent of similar experience. THEN the commission has to approve the fight. You then need another medical for the commission and the promoter. If you think this is confusing, trust me, it's much more complicated then this, I'm just giving you the "coles notes" version. And the funniest thing is, I still don't know the entire process! But I know enough to know that for me to have all this happen would be a tiny miracle, especially without a trainer, willing to stick his neck out. I have one card to play. One. I believe I can draw a crowd. I believe people will come watch me fight. I believe I can sell tickets.
That's where Joe Phillips comes in. Joe is a successful boxing promoter, an ex-fighter himself, him and his family have been legendary in Canadian boxing. Joe came into BeerTown and had a conversation with our bartender(the lovely Miss Tanna Towers, and NO, she did not do porn). After hearing my story, Joe took that story to his partner, who just so happened to be a Canadian icon in the sport and one of the, if not, the best trainer in Canada; Syd Vanderpool. Syd did some homework. He checked out my blog and some Youtube footage and agreed to meet with me. This meeting took place yesterday.
Syd has agreed to train me and Joe is willing to back me and my training. Although we haven't agreed to anything specifically, I've put my trust in Joe and Syd, who seems nothing other than sincere. I have a training session with him on Monday, where he will assess where I'm at and give me an evaluation, AND...will set a date as to when he feels I would be ready for a fight! So, I have a home, at Destiny Gym in Kithchener. Although it is early, I don't want to get too excited, I've learned from the past, it's a rocky road, the last 2 years has proven that. But I feel good about this, and meeting Syd was amazing. To be trained by him, an honor. Yesterday was a day to remember, a day I'll never forget, I felt euphoric in some ways, similar to the feeling I had when I put boxing gloves on and hit a punching bag for the first time.
Greg Post wasn't a good trainer and really didn't want me in his gym, Chris Johnson had a lot of good boxers at his gym but had no time for me, Dewith Fraser was a nice mix of having no time for me AND not wanting me in his gym! Coach Rob had time for me but zero boxers in his gym and only MMA guys. It's been very frustrating for me to find somewhere that I feel comfortable, I don't necessarily have to find someone who believes in me, I just want to find someone that is willing to teach me what I need to excel at this. Most of what I've learned about boxing is from youtube(which is great by the way,at age 40 I learned how to properly peel a banana...pinch the bottom, who knew?) Although informative, not exactly an ideal way to improve. You can join a gym, get your work in, get sparring rounds, but most trainers spend time with the young guys, the prospects, boxers that they feel might have a future in the sport. I get it, really I do. Hard for anyone to believe that their time would be better served with a 40yr old who has an improbable goal, rather than with a 21yr old going to the Olympics. To get to where I want to be, I need attention from a trainer, everyday kind of attention. But to develop any athelete in any sport really, you need money, I don't have it. So I have been resided to the fact that I would join a gym, learn what I can, and just work hard, and hope that I can get a fight. I'm not going to go into depth, but boxing is very political. It isn't like any sport where you can register and compete when your game is up on the schedule. There are no assigned dates when you know that you can enter and compete. If you want to get a fight in boxing, the red tape is extensive. It is an event, put on by a promoter. Not unlike a dj getting a gig at a club. You need a venue, a dj that can play, then, most importantly, you need to sell tickets to the event. The better the djs, the more the created interest, the more tickets sold. Pretty simple math right? My situation is a little more difficult. I need to get clearance medically, I need approval from the boxing commission, I have to prove to the commission that I can fight and not get killed, a trainer has to back me and vouch to the commission, for that I need a trainer that believes in me, and wants to support me enough to let me represent him and his gym. A fight then needs to be found, an event promoter then needs a reason to put you on a card and match the fight with an opponent of similar experience. THEN the commission has to approve the fight. You then need another medical for the commission and the promoter. If you think this is confusing, trust me, it's much more complicated then this, I'm just giving you the "coles notes" version. And the funniest thing is, I still don't know the entire process! But I know enough to know that for me to have all this happen would be a tiny miracle, especially without a trainer, willing to stick his neck out. I have one card to play. One. I believe I can draw a crowd. I believe people will come watch me fight. I believe I can sell tickets.
That's where Joe Phillips comes in. Joe is a successful boxing promoter, an ex-fighter himself, him and his family have been legendary in Canadian boxing. Joe came into BeerTown and had a conversation with our bartender(the lovely Miss Tanna Towers, and NO, she did not do porn). After hearing my story, Joe took that story to his partner, who just so happened to be a Canadian icon in the sport and one of the, if not, the best trainer in Canada; Syd Vanderpool. Syd did some homework. He checked out my blog and some Youtube footage and agreed to meet with me. This meeting took place yesterday.
Syd has agreed to train me and Joe is willing to back me and my training. Although we haven't agreed to anything specifically, I've put my trust in Joe and Syd, who seems nothing other than sincere. I have a training session with him on Monday, where he will assess where I'm at and give me an evaluation, AND...will set a date as to when he feels I would be ready for a fight! So, I have a home, at Destiny Gym in Kithchener. Although it is early, I don't want to get too excited, I've learned from the past, it's a rocky road, the last 2 years has proven that. But I feel good about this, and meeting Syd was amazing. To be trained by him, an honor. Yesterday was a day to remember, a day I'll never forget, I felt euphoric in some ways, similar to the feeling I had when I put boxing gloves on and hit a punching bag for the first time.
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